In the Eye of the Beholder

Captain’s Log: Stardate -315935.64

I have received communication today from the Klingon Federation High Council that I believe to be a very promising joint venture against the Borg invasion.

I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up some, you guessed it, groceries of all things. I was going to pick up a few things for Christmas dinner, such as turkey, butternut squash, yams, and spiced apple rings.

Okay, I live outside of a very small town, population: shameful. Nevertheless we have a Publix grocer. This is not some backwoods mom and pop grocer, this is Publix, a well known grocer in the southeastern United States.

“Welcome to the Deep South, dear Rhonda, may your stay here be an enlightening one.” That is what I keep telling myself, it’s a learning experience, getting to know life in various geographical cultures.

First stop, butternut squash. I picked up two of them, they were very nice looking as far as butternut squash go. So far so good!

Second stop, yams. No yams. “Excuse me, where are the yams?” The produce manager didn’t even know what a yam was. I tried to explain. I got directed to the sweet potatoes, being told that yam is just another word for a sweet potato. Thanks o ye knowledgeable produce manager. I don’t want sweet potatoes, I want yams, there is a difference. Oh well, sweet potatoes it is.

Third stop, spiced apple rings. “Excuse me, where are the spiced apple rings?” The pimply teenager directed me back to the produce department. No, I don’t want fresh apples, I want spiced apple rings in a jar. I get told they don’t sell those. What do I find instead? Pickled Peaches.

I kid you not. They don’t sell spiced apple rings. You have to buy pickled peaches instead. Who the hell pickles a peach? Who the hell eats peaches that have been soaking in a jar of vinegar? The things looked like gelatinous peach colored goo floating around in a specimen jar. No thank you!

Of course, I really shouldn’t have been surprised, after all, this particular store offers no less than three different brands of pickled pigs feet, of which you can also buy the economy 5 gallon jar size. All that’s missing is Granny’s possum vittles over in the hot foods section.